A few months ago, a friend invited me to Nashville to see Jelly Roll in concert.  I had no idea who he was, but the show was at the Grand Ol’ Opry, it was an opportunity to spend time with my friend, and a trip to Nashville. I was IN!

Now, a few months later, I admit – I’m a little obsessed with Jelly Roll.  He has an amazing life story, and his songs beautifully portray his struggles and his successes.   

We’ve all heard versions of the quote “the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror”, and Jelly Roll puts his own unique spin on it in one my favorite songs, Son of a Sinner:

I took the rearview off of this old Ford

So I only see in front of me

Now the past is out of sight and out of mind

Swore I changed, now I’m back chasing these white lines

Taking the rear-view mirror OFF entirely.  Kinda scary, huh?  To never look back to see where you’ve been?  

A little bit radical perhaps, but I understand where he’s coming from.  Too often we look back and we’re hindered by the past.  It’s easy to spend so much time focusing on what’s in the rear-view that we forget to look through the windshield – especially when those past experiences feel like setbacks and failures.  Some of my own examples:

• I remember when a dear friend told me not to apply for a job because I didn’t have every qualification listed on the role description.  I listened, and it took me years to shake off that constraint (which we all know now is VERY common for women!).
• I remember when a manager told me that my performance was sub-par compared to others in my grade level and flat out told me that I wasn’t capable of the job.
• I remember when I totally botched an interview and the hiring manager looked at me with clear confusion about how I’d made it through to the 3^rd round of interviews.

I’m sure you’ve had similar kicks in the gut.  We all have.  And they hurt, and they damage our confidence.  Given Jelly Roll’s history, he’s clearly had some kicks in the gut, too.  But Jelly Roll also just won a Country Music Award for best new artist.  

I think what really matters is what happens AFTER the kick in the gut.  Can you internalize the tough message and then transform it into a positive way to move forward?  Jelly Roll’s transformation is exceptional, but when it really matters, I believe we all have this power within us.  Here’s how I’ve learned to approach these situations:

1. Seek to understand. Where did you go wrong?  Try to see the situation in full context.  
2. Assess the impact.  What does it mean and why does it matter to you?
3. Validate, when you can. Is it possible to get feedback or information from another source that helps you frame the situation?   
4. Make a plan. How do you recover?  How do you move forward and overcome the setback?

Back to the most uncomfortable, awkward, and embarrassing interview of my life.  By looking back in the rear-view mirror, I can see that I was completely unprepared. The hiring manager’s response and the recruiter’s immediate step of removing me from the interview process left me spinning.  I had to recover and change my approach, or I would jeopardize my ability to win future roles.  

Here’s how I looked through the windshield towards the next opportunity to interview, using the four steps above:

1. Seek to understand (rear-view):  I spent time self-reflecting on the interview and how I answered the questions.  I knew I struggled with articulating my value proposition to the role, and with providing clear examples in the dreaded STAR (tell me about a time when…) questions.
2. Assess the impact (rear-view): The role was a highly desirable, senior level role that would have represented a significant advance in my career.  Not getting the job was an immediate impact, but it was clear to me that if I continued to perform the same way in future interviews, I would not be successful in attaining this kind of role. 
3. Validate, when you can (rear-view): In this scenario, I had really connected with the recruiter in the initial screening, so I asked her for feedback.  She kindly provided it, and she told me that my responses did not support the hiring manager connecting my background to the role.  On paper, I was very qualified for the role – but that was irrelevant if I couldn’t help the hiring manager arrive at the same conclusion. 

(Note: When it’s not possible to get this kind of direct feedback, consider talking to a trusted friend or colleague about the situation, or seeking coaching /mentorship instead.)

4. Make a plan (windshield): How could I approach interview prep in the future so that I was ready to position myself as the right candidate for the job?  Next time around, I did a lot of research online to understand how to effectively prepare for and answer STAR questions.  I found tools and resources to help me build role-relevant examples that I could have ready to use in interviews. I used my phone to voice record myself answering questions that I thought I might be asked and listened to the recordings to assess and improve my own effectiveness. I asked a trusted friend to conduct mock interviews with me, got her feedback, and practiced some more.  

Also remember – there are times when it’s NOT YOU.  Turns out that manager who told me that I was sub-par left the company a few months later.  She was removed from her position as a people leader because her employee survey scores were so low and filled with comments telling stories similar to mine, and she preferred to leave rather than take an individual contributor role. 

I don’t actually want to forget about the past failures and remove the rear-view mirror completely. If you do, you also have to forget about past successes.  We need both failures and successes to learn and grow, to improve and reach our full potential.  So look in that rear view mirror from time to time, and use what you see there to frame the view out the windshield.  And then move forward towards being the best version of you.

PS. All that said, sometimes you do have to just LET IT GO.  Not every setback requires the approach above, just the ones that really matter.   

FIERCE co-founder Abigail Maines offers some great words of wisdom about how to Smash the Rear-View mirror and move on. Check out Abigal’s FIERCE blog to read about her go-to techniques to improve your resilience to let go when you need to let go.

First published at www.FIERCENOW.org

Elevate for Women proudly supports FIERCE in their mission to advocate for Females in Every Role Everywhere